Oregonian man arrested for claiming that Bigfoot is fake

9/4/19-Oregon- Yesterday, Hans Wilcox, an stereotypical Oregonian male (plaid, beanie, epic beard) defied Oregon tradition by claiming that Bigfoot was "so fake".

               Hans was arrested 0.3 seconds after he tweeted this, and by the time he reached the county jail, he had reached over 7 million views (no one dared retweet it).

               Hans has hired top lawyers, who have suggested that he plea 'insane at time of alleged crimes', but he has become infamous, and even Judges have become biased.

               Even Oregon Governor Kate Brown was witnessed "screaming in outrage" at the sight of this tragic tweet. More news soon.

North Korea bans viral cat video

Korea, The North- Last week, we received news that North Korea has, yet again, attempted another Communist act.

A viral cat video, where the cat figures out a way to escape it's cage, was passed from Canada, to the U.S., to Greenland, to Korea. However, the North Korean authorities decided to ban this kitty comedy from, well, North Korea.

Their reason for stamping out all traces of this video was, the cat in the video had too much freedom. In other words, this would be a very 'despicable influence' on the people of North Korea. If the cat escaped his cage, heck, they could escape their cage too (which is the Communism of NK if you're still not getting this).

Of course, the government could not stop the people from watching the hilarious clip. They huddled in secret 'underground' committees, where they laughed and cried over it.

A man thinks the girl he proposed to said 'yes'. Nope.

Atlanta, Georgia-Last week, Daniel LLeb, in the Taco Bell drive-thru, had an idea. With his Locos Taco in hand, he swung back around, and entered the drive-thru again, to propose to a "cute Taco Bell employee". He had a hot sauce packet that read: Marry Me?

                            Daniel approached the second window. He proceeded to ask his beloved: "Can you switch my Fire hot sauce, for a Mild one?" he asked, sliding his packet slyly across the counter. The employee handed him a Mild packet, and Daniel quickly read what it said: "Yes to forever".

                            "So, when is it going to be?" questioned Daniel excitedly, thinking of their wedding.
"Next Wednesday." replied the employee, thinking he was indicating an ad for an upcoming deal.
"Great!" said Daniel, and he drove off.

                            Daniel told all of his family and friends, and they quickly planned the wedding, and invited all of their friends. Wednesday arrived, and Daniel looked toward the aisle, as the 'Here comes the Bride' played, expecting to see his 'fiance' and her father. The music played for 21 minutes, without a bride.

                            Daniel exasperatedly drove back to the Taco Bell drive-thru, found window #2, and told the employee that 'they were over'. The employee just blinked.

                            Believe it or not, it had all been a misunderstanding, and she didn't know that the packets had words.

Man brings shame to Marvel fans, by watching Infinity War before Iron Man 3

Boise, Idaho-Earlier today, a man in Idaho brought shame to the Marvel Cinematic Universe fans, by watching 'Avengers: Infinity War', before 'Iron Man 3'.

                    For instance, a Marvel fan in North Dakota started crying, because of the despicable act. "You have to watch all 21, in order of appearance!"the man sobbed, "Watching Infinity War before Iron Man 3, is like breaking the Space-Time Continuum!"

                    Other things have been said about the terrible deed, including:

• "Disgrace to Marvel humanity (and inhumanity)!"
• "Disrespectful to the grave of Stan Lee!"
• ###### ##### #####
• *Infinite sobbing*

                    Another Marvel geek said this: "It's like watching Harry Potter before reading the books!" The man proceeded to refuse interview so he could go mourn.

                   The man who disgraced Marvel was never seen again.

CIA claims better dental plan than FBI

UNKNOWN-Earlier today, an anonymous leader of the CIA tweeted some boasting claims, as he/she bragged that the CIA has a "better dental plan than the FBI", causing an Twitter-wide outrage.

                       The first part of the outrage, was an anonymous tweet from an FBI official saying:
"The CIA might have a better dental plan, but this here FBI has free Starbucks gift cards."

                       Of course, this made every Starbucks fan go nuts, and nobody cared what the CIA thought. Surprisingly, the FBI met it's commitments, with over $9.1 million worth of free Starbucks gift cards for it's Twitter followers.

                       The second part of the outrage was the CIA accusing the FBI for stealing the $9.1 million from them.

                       And finally, the third part of the outrage was, singer Weird Al Yankovic tweeting:
"I knew it!!! In my song "Party in the CIA", I joked from the CIA's point of view, that they had a better dental plan then the FBI!!!! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!!!!"

                      We do have to give Al credit for this.

Baylor Christian refuses to be in NCAA tournament with Duke "Blue Devils"

WACO, TX- Earlier today, head coach of Baylor University's basketball team, Scott Drew, resigned his team from the March Madness Tournament, because of distantly competing against Duke University. His purpose of disengaging himself and his team from the tournament was that he despised Duke's mascot, the Blue Devil.

             "It's just too anti-biblical for my liking," said Scott, "We believe that Duke is giving Satan too much credit."

            Shortly after his resignation, Scott tweeted the following:

            I'm sorry fans of Baylor men's basketball, but in our school's Statement of Faith, we never immerse ourselves in anti-biblical concepts. Although we wouldn't probably have played Duke, the name of Baylor should never be printed on a bracket shared with the word 'Devils', let alone 'Devil'.


            To the amusement of many Duke fans, head coach Mike Krzyzewski said in defense:

            Well, seeing as "Blue Angels" was already taken, @scottdrew.........



This is an amazing reminder about how Christians should take their faith seriously.

NEW iPhone Z makes it's debut!

Salem, Oregon-
Earlier today, Apple released it's brand new iPhone 11, or Z. The iPhone includes plenty incredible features, including some of these:

• No need to type any more! The iPhone Z has a Mind Reading setting, for texting on the road. *WARNING: VERY SENSITIVE, CAN TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT THEM, RESULTING IN BREAK-UPS AND LAWSUITS*
• Based on it's namesake, the iPhone Z has a Pillow setting, and a study recently discovered that 99.99% of iPhone Z buyers think it is more comfortable than an average pillow (the 0.01% was owners of companies like Tempurpedic).

Other features include:

• Normal iPhone capabilities

Don't worry folks, it's not just another dumb iPhone (*cough cough* iPhone7).